I don't want to live my life

ginger_and @ 2006-10-31T02:02:00

2006-10-31T10:06:47Z

I emailed my instructors and only got a response from one of them. It doesn't look good. In the meantime, an ex-lover has come back into the picture and wants me to leave my bf. I love my bf, but parts of me know that this guy, while immature and controlling at times, has more in common with me. Again, I am avoidant of the situation. The bed is clean, but I feel dirty. Maybe tomorrow will bring better things.

Back to it then...

2006-10-30T10:11:07Z

I hit a breaking point on Thursday. I was beyond stressed and ended up ditching a VERY important class because I couldn't bring myself to go in unprepared. I began to fantasize about breaking my own arm so I would have a good excuse. Somewhere in there it hit me just how not-okay that thought was. I still missed the class, though.

Later that day, I left town to visit the boyfriend who lives nearly 7 hours away (I did fly, I'm not to the point of driving that far on a whim). The weekend was great. Everything was love and sweet and cuddles. We actually carried on an intellectual conversation, but still nothing truly emotion based. It's almost as if he senses that my calmness is superficial and he fears going past that lest I unleash all my craziness upon him. He did make a small mention of me moving up there, but if I can't even get to my classes, that puts a damper on my chances of transferring to a school near him. That and I don't want to move for him; I want to move for me. I am ready; I love the area up there and thought about it before he ever brought it up.

On the plane ride back, felt like all the life just drained out of me again. I don't know if it is being away from him, or just coming back to this half-life I've been leading. I drove home from the airport in a fog and have been mindlessly cruising the 'net avoiding even posting because that means that I have to admit these things. I have to admit that I have been thinking about cutting again. He even asked about it and I told him that I hadn't done that in years. Really, it's been *almost* a year since last time. I have thusfar resisted the urge.

Tomorrow, I will try to make a counseling appointment and email my instructor. Maybe I can salvage my classes and, in doing so, avoid feeling this way...

comm post

2006-10-18T01:22:57Z

This is my first post here. My name is *Ginger*, I am 26, and I have been self-mutilating off and on since I was a kid. It started with just being a rough & tumble tomboy who was always getting hurt (not by accident). I would always pick at my scabs and such. I started actually "cutting" when I was twelve.

I have always hated crying and cutting seemed a better option, not as "weak" in my mind (I now realize that this is not really true). Luckily, I always used clean, sharp objects to cut (usually blades removed from disposable razors or my knives) and I heal well, so despite years of cutting, most of my scars are nearly invisble unless you feel them or know they are there (I also usually wear clothing that covers them).

There are a million things that I could point to as "triggers" or "reasons" for why I seek out physical pain (tattoos, piercings, BDSM, "accidents", etc.), but I have come to realize that the only common is me. I choose to do these things, consciously or otherwise, I am self-destructive. I could be worse (I no longer drink, I've never done drugs, I've managed not to get pregnant or get STDs, and most people see me as happy).

However, lately, I realize that my facade of being happy and well-adjusted is just that, a facade. Over the past few months, I have become isolated, depressed, and have had my first actual thoughts of suicide (don't worry, I'm pretty sure I couldn't actually go through with it). The point is, I want to get better.

Therapy has not helped and there is NO WAY that I will voluntarily admit myself to a psych ward (I work as an EMT and I have seen waaaay too many horror stories in that route). I recognize that my self esteem is a big problem here and I have started my personal journal to try and work through some of my issues (dare I say most of them).

I guess, basically, I want to know that there are others like me. I can't talk about this to anyone close to me because they would freak out. (Trust me, I tried at one point and it did not go well.) So that's me. Feel free to add my journal and maybe we can help each other.

*Ginger*

Something has to give

2006-10-17T21:33:05Z

I missed class this morning...the alarm went off, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I went back to sleep. When I got up, I talked to the roomie a bit. The counseling sessions are not helping. I haven't been in weeks, but I know that I need to do something. I cannot live like this. The problem is that no one knows there is a problem. I have been unwilling to admit to anyone that I am in pain. R (the roomie) says this is the first time she has ever seen tears in my eyes (I wanted to run screaming from the table). I can't get over thinking that tears are a form of weakness.

I do like how R puts things in perspective though. She says she is sorry for all that I have been through and that I'm feeling overwhelmed, but what am I going to do about it? She brought up T (the long distance boyfriend) and J (the guy with potential to be my soulmate). She thinks that I should just be alone for a while because guys are users. I think she's been hurt to much in the past. I love T and J.

The problem is that T and I "love" each other, but there is not deeper connection. I can't talk to him the way I can talk to J. I have T up on this high pedestal, but in my heart, I don't think it will work out. At the same time, I am afraid to bring it up, or let go, because I don't want to hurt him. I know that this avoidance of mine will only make things worse. I need to set a deadline for myself. J gave me a month to be done with T. I give myself a week to talk to T and lay it all out. If it doesn't work out, I don't know where things will go, but I'll tackle that problem when I get there.

In the meantime, I need to get my focus back on school. I am going to have to cut back on work. I'm not sure how I will do it, but I have to.

Last night, I have crazy ideas about just running away from everything. I thought about just taking some drugs and fucking a stranger (I have never done drugs or had sex outside of a relationship). I need to find out why I am thinking these thoughts. This is not me. I know that I can be happy.

Even right now, I am typing this instead of getting things done. I could be studying, filling out applications, or returning the million phone calls on my cell. I could be bugeting to finally get out of debt. I am afraid to do; I am afraid to not do.

I couldn't even get everything out to R. I just feel isolated and alone. I hardly talk to my "best friend" these days and talking with T is obviously not an option. I have to fight the urge to cut just to release the pressure inside of me. R said that the first step is admitting that I am not invincible. Well here it is:

I AM NOT INVINCIBLE. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG AND I NEED HELP.

I promise myself that I will start seeking it. One step at a time. I need to go do something.

So begins the tale of descent and (hopefully) redemption

2006-10-17T09:05:32Z

A quick scorecard:

Family: broken, dysfunctional, emotionally unavailable but always in my business (I tell myself they mean well)

Friends: mostly superficial

Boyfriend: great, but lacking intimacy (not sex, I mean connectedness)

Living Situation: renting, always one step from homelessness

Work: too much, 50+ hours a week and stressful

School: full time, also too much because I'm currently failing, but I'm afraid to slow down

My major issues: depression, chronic avoidance, isolation, insomnia, passive resistance, self-mutilation, etc.

Next up: an actual post...be it current, memory, or analysis

If I can get this going; keep this going; maybe I can help myself.